To the lady buying cheap toilet paper in front of me at Kroger, what the hell is wrong with you. Yeah, I’m talking to you, the one buying that economy sized pack of Value toilet paper. Look, I know times are tough right now and everybody needs to save money wherever they can, but, like a city reducing the frequency of trash pickup, does that really seem like the best place to be cutting costs? The cheap brands oftentimes put comforting words on the package to reassure buyers of their purchase, words like Soft, Strong, and Comfortable (like you’ll be sitting on it). But the crap you bought, they don’t even bother, it just says, “Bathroom Tissue” in all black letters almost as if to say, “We didn’t even try with this packaging, ’cause we know you tightwads buying this could care less about cartoon bears wiping their butts.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the only one, lot’s of people go cheap on the TP front. You just happened to be the one that sparked this thought.
One has to wonder the thoughts flashing through your mind when faced with the many choices. Was there a split second where you were squeezing the Charmin, thinking about Mr. Whipple and how magical his paper product must feel? Or are you one of those people who doesn’t even look at the options, you have one of those sophisticated dealdars that hones in on low prices and that’s what it pointed you to.
Let’s take a look at this tissue you ended up buying, shall we. For starters, did you even look at the price per sheet, that “Value” brand often has a higher price per sheet because the rolls have less on them. Putting that aside, there are two likely outcomes from using a toilet paper of this quality. The first outcome is that you didn’t tear enough off and, in the process of wiping, your fingers will go through the paper and make contact. This will always occur after you’ve had one of those awful multi-flush jobs that will ultimately make your hand look you’ve been working on greasy engines all day (or a chocolate factory). But if you’re smart you’ve used this kind of terrible tissue before and you’ve torn enough off. This leads me to the second, and much more likely scenario, mouth clenching rectal destruction. Don’t know what that means? Take a sheet of 50-grit sandpaper and rub it across your butthole a few times, yeah, essentially the same thing.
I hope you live alone and never invite friends over, if that’s not the case you should be ashamed of yourself for subjecting them to this. It’s one thing to a be tightwad and buy this for yourself, it’s an entirely different thing to be making guests and loved ones use this shit. Seriously, what is going on in your life that has forced you to the point that you’re trying to save two dollars on toilet paper. I’m not trying to judge here, if you’re flat broke and all you can afford is this stuff, hey, gotta do what you gotta do. But I’m pretty sure, you (lady at the checkout of the uppity Kroger) could probably make some lifestyle changes that would free up the money to add to your monthly toilet paper budget. If the person buying this kind of tissue isn’t broke, than they have no consideration for their personal hygiene or safety. Having to cancel outings with the family because you’re bleeding from your rectum has to be getting old. Equally so, people are possibly starting to wonder why your guests spend so much time in your bathrooms, the reason is that they’ve got fecal matter all over their hands and are trying to wash it off while cursing your name.
Now, nobody is saying that you have to invest in the super expensive luxury toilet paper lined with rabbit fur and silk, not at all. However, even the store brands offer even the very basic soft toilet tissue. Next time you’re at the store, contemplating your month’s supply of toilet paper, switch off the dealdar and see if you can find something that even mentions the word “soft” on its packaging.
And if you’re an employer and you’re buying this awful stuff for your employees, stop it. Get something better, then tout it as a benefit when you’re hiring new employees, right next to the 401K and the health insurance.